It looks like Erling Haaland has landed himself in the classic “two dates to prom” scenario.
Except he has sex instead of two dates. And instead of a prom, it’s a summer battle royal between a set of heavy European football clubs, all ready to unleash the most extravagant bidding war for Borussia Dortmund’s wonderkid.
At the age of 20, there may not be a better time to sign Haaland than this summer. He has the world at his feet, and at a time when elite goalkeepers are hard to get along with, perhaps another like Haaland will not come along for a while.
Obviously, you have to have stones in your head if you are not interested in signing Haaland, and so almost all the giants are turning a blind eye to a summer transfer war. But in the end, he gets the last word, and it seems that he has now reduced his choices to six.
So who are the clubs he is interested in joining, and which would be the best option for him? 90min ranks the six clubs (including a seventh we have thrown in ourselves) that are the perfect match for Haaland this summer:
It’s a no from Erling about this | INA FASSBENDER / Getty Images
Pros: Chelsea really, really want Haaland, and even if he is not convinced, they will dare to prove to him exactly what an attractive club they can be. Prepare to be admired by Erling, for the Blues will go out to draw you to Stamford Bridge.
Cons: The Blues have spent a lot of money on expensive stars in recent windows, but it has not really worked. Sustainable success is not in their nature either. It’s more of a “win a title, finish 7th next season,” kind of atmosphere.
Stylistic fit: It is clear that Haaland himself does not see Chelsea as a serious destination, and their inability to find a system that suits other Bundesliga academics Kai Havertz and Timo Werner may have something to do with his reluctance.
Haaland happiness – 1/10: Technically, Chelsea should be a more prosperous and fertile home than some of the other names on this list, but the Norwegian striker just does not see them as a realistic alternative.
Share love | Lars Baron / Getty Images
Pros: The weather is wonderful in Barcelona – nice beaches for Haaland to roam around, and he can fill his Instagram feed with pictures of sunsets and good food, all with sangria in hand. How good does it sound?
Cons: Barcelona is on fire. Not in the “they kill it” feeling, but in “the club is burning to the ground and all their staff have petrol going through their veins”.
More specifically, the ex-president was recently arrested for hiring a company to attack the images of his own players, unclear debt levels are rising and their star player is the most miserable man on earth.
Stylistic fit: Who knows what Barça’s style is. Ronald Koeman has continued the theme aesthetically pleasing when appropriate, but as solid as a trifle when it gets a little awkward.
Haaland happiness – 3/10: A decade ago, this would have been unclear. Now Barcelona is a must for all players who want to guarantee their own immediate and long-term success.
GOOOOOOOAAALLLLLLL !!!! Erling Haaland makes 1-0 #BMGBVB pic.twitter.com/1obVwNopj6
– BVB Buzz (@BVBBuzz) March 2, 2021
Pros: Haaland was able to fulfill all the football players’ lifelong dream by playing alongside the great Cristiano Ronaldo.
Cons: He has to play alongside Cristiano Ronaldo’s ghost and shoot him around in his wheelchair while the Portuguese star reminds him of how many Ballon d’Or trophies he has won.
Stylistic fit: Juventus are in the middle of a transition period and Haaland should be careful about linking their future to a club led by inexperienced coach Andrea Pirlo. He wants guaranteed success, not to have the task of inspiring it alone.
Haaland happiness – 5/10: Like Barça, Juve were a much more appetizing prospect a few years ago. He may like to take the risk of leading a revolution, but it will be a waste of years in his career if he can not restore them to their former glories.
Haaland played against Liverpool during his time with RB Salzburg Michael Molzar / Getty Images
Pros: Haaland would enjoy the luxury of playing under Jurgen Klopp at a club that creates atmospheres similar to the one he likes in Dortmund. He can also create some memorable Anfield moments in the Champions League.
Cons: He must learn to handle a scrap yard if he is to steal headlines and glory from the typical trio. Internal competition is strong.
Stylistic fit: What striker would not thrive in Klopp’s attacking system, surrounded by such as the brilliant, if a touch selfish Mohamed Salah and Sadio Mane? Goals galore.
Haaland happiness – 6/10: On paper, it’s not a bad move for Haaland, and he would probably enjoy a lot of success on Merseyside. However, the questions come from the field, given Liverpool’s lack of money and their desire to pinch a penny rather than splash them.
However, is he too good to pass up?
GROUP HUG ?
?? @ErlingHaaland ??????? @ Sanchooo10 ?? @woodyinho #DFBPokal #BMGBVB 0-1 pic.twitter.com/lGkdRbEgWG
– DFB-Pokal (@DFBPokal_EN) March 2, 2021
Pros: He knows Ole Gunnar Solskjær from their time together at Molde in Norway, which means that he understands how the manager works and how much success he is likely to have.
Cons: The above mentioned pros can also be a massive disadvantage, depending on what you think of Solskjär.
Stylistic fit: Sunshine’s inability to bring out the best in Romelu Lukaku, now one of the top five strikers in the world, must be a concern for anyone considering moving to Old Trafford. However, he would work during one of the best finishes of his time.
Haaland happiness – 7/10: This could be a “Bruno Fernande’s success” signing, or just as much it could turn out to be a Memphis Depay / Angel Di Maria / Lukaku etc type of deal. Manchester United are building on something special, but at the same time they still have Phil Jones on their books. It’s a confusing place.
Superhuman | Quality Sport Images / Getty Images
Pros: Real Madrid is the largest club in world football and the most iconic. The bright lights of the Santiago Bernabeu and the shiny white shirt are often enough to convince all football players in the world to stick around and move to the Spanish capital.
Cons: Even after winning the league title, Madrid seem to be limping and putting plasters over their visible and gaping wounds. Is Zidane really the right man to take them forward in the long run? Can they succeed in making the transition from the old guard to the younger generation? Will Karim Benzema give up that striker’s role? Many questions.
Stylistic fit: Madrid are still looking for the rightful heir to the aging Benzema throne, and Haaland expects to roll straight into the side. However, Los Blancos may be a bit out of date in their game, so do not expect the chance to float just because Haaland is in town.
Haaland happiness – 8/10: It is probably every boy’s dream to lead the line for the great Madrid, and the mega money combined with the size of the club is reason enough to do so. Haaland can make Los Blancos the most feared team in Europe once again.
10 – Erling Haaland has scored 10 Champions League goals in just seven matches for Borussia Dortmund, the fastest player ever to reach 10 goals for a team in the competition, beating Roy Makaay’s record with Bayern Munich (10 matches, between 2003-2004 ). Machine. pic.twitter.com/quQJearNfh
– OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) February 17, 2021
Pros: He gets to play under Pep Guardiola in the Premier League and earn a brilliant salary at the club that his father once represented. Everything is a bit romantic. Manchester City is also the most shapely and scary team in Europe right now.
Cons: Manchester is extremely rainy. He can also get frustrated by facing the brick wall that Scott Carson trains every day. His self-confidence could then beat.
Stylistic fit: Guardiola have managed to build a team that does not trust to even use a center forward, but their productivity can multiply frighteningly with a Haaland figure at the top. See Sergio Aguero’s stats for further evidence of a match made in heaven.
Haaland happiness 9/10: This is as close as it gets to perfection. Haaland can follow in his father’s footsteps, lead Man City to world domination, win 10 Ballon d’Ors in a row and make a lot of money while doing so. Just leave the paper now.
