The poisoned bald man. The impossible job. The unclimatic mountain.
The role of the England manager has been nicknamed many things, but “pillow long-term project” is not one of them.
Most coaches who have had the chance to lead their nation will often give you the same old, tired answer: No, it did not end the way I would have liked, but yes, I would still take the job if I were offered it again.
For every boss, it’s a job you simply can not say no to. If your country urges you and asks you to give glory, you can not say no. Unfortunately, they will throw you to the wolves at the first sign of trouble, more often than not.
Such are the nature of life as the head of England, the same man seldom stays too long. But who is the longest-serving boss in history? 90min ranks each permanent coach that the three lions have hired.
100% record, you say? | Dan Mullan / Getty Images
Greatest achievement: Drank a pint of wine during an undercover sting operation.
Profit Percentage: 100%
Say what you will about Sam Allardyce, but the man can tell his friends that he has a 100% profit record as England manager. He will probably omit a bit about losing his job in the scandalous mind.
You and your big, big mouth, Sam. You could have had it all.
No brolly pictures here | Pool / Getty Images
Greatest achievement: Brought David Beckham back to the Gulf of England … after releasing him.
Profit percentage: 50%Steve McClaren served the second shortest time as England manager, and let’s face it, it was pretty miserable. The Three Lions failed to qualify for the European Championships in 2008, and it was an urgent crime for the manager.
Pensive Keggy | Ian Walton / Getty Images
Greatest achievement: Delivered one of the most memorable interviews after the match in England’s history – no, not “I would love it”.
Profit percentage: 39%
No one could ever accuse Kevin Keegan of not caring, that’s for sure. He carried his heart on his sleeve as England manager, but he could not hide his anxiety when it got tough.
He famously resigned in his interview after the match after a 1-0 defeat against Germany. Bad Keggy.
Cheers | Phil Cole / Getty Images
Greatest achievement: Put out an XI that gave the greatest achievement of the national anthem in history.
Profit percentage: 48%
Ah, Euro 96 years. So close and yet so far away. An awakening run by God save the queen was almost rounded off by Paul Gascoigne who grabbed the winner, but he could not stretch that foot enough, and England eventually lost to Germany on penalties in the semi-finals.
Venables went on to eventually run a boutique hotel in Spain. El Tel.
Chefen | Getty Images / Getty Images
Greatest achievement: Nicknamed ‘The Hod Squad’ for his attitude at World Cup 98.
Profit percentage: 61% Glenn Hoddle suffered a penalty shootout during World Cup 98, but received much less sympathy for discarding icon Paul Gascoigne.
Off-pitch controversy soon ended his time at the helm.
Don Revie led England for three years Evening Standard / Getty Images
Biggest achievement: Got the phone call that never came to Brian Clough.
Profit percentage: 48%
Leeds United legend Don Revie left the whites to become England boss in a move that eventually did not suit anyone. Leeds suffered without its talismanic leader, and Revie could not get the Three Lions to buy in their methods like the guys on Elland Road.
The failure to qualify for the 1978 World Cup was his legacy.
A gentleman and a top manager | Ross Kinnaird / Getty Images
Greatest achievement: Told a racist to do one when he beat John Barnes.
Profit Percentage: 47% One of the sour notes in England’s history is undoubtedly the media coverage of Graham Taylor as national team coach. He tried to get some attractive football to the international stage, but it never really came off the ground.
Capello does not like to remember | Handout / Getty Images
Greatest achievement: Allowed adults up and down the country to unlock childhood memories from Postman Pat.
Profit percentage: 67%
I’m not saying Fabio Capello was the strictest control freak in England’s history, but he banned tomato ketchup from training camp and tried to stop Ben Foster from attending the birth of one of his children.
On the pitch, England were as dull as dishwater and culminated in one of the most boring World Cup matches ever during a goalless draw with Algeria and a humiliating exit from Germany’s hands.
The Western Warrior | Ian MacNicol / Getty Images
Biggest achievement: Inspired half of the British male population to grow a beard and buy a vest in the summer of 2018.
Profit percentage: 61%
No matter how bad Euro 2020 goes, we can look back with the best memories and a tear in the eye at how close England came to a World Cup final 2018.
We can probably thank our lucky stars for not succeeding either, because France would have made minced meat of us in the final. But what trend will Southgate start this summer? I support a dickie bow.
Mr Greenwood | Express / Getty Images
Greatest achievement: Went undefeated at the 1982 World Cup (England obviously did not win the tournament). Profit percentage: 60%Ron Greenwood guided England to their first World Cup in 12 years back in 1982, and above all he handed over the first hat ever to a black player in the country’s history, Viv Anderson.
It was a groundbreaking moment in the world of football and an important step forward for society.
“If you had, a shot or an opportunity …” | Handout / Getty Images
Greatest achievement: Allow an entire nation to enjoy its greatest moment … That nation was Iceland.
Profit Percentage: 59% Ah, Roy Boy. Hodgson is such a nice guy that we all wanted it to work for the Lord. Unfortunately, it did not. His England team was quite uninspiring at the European Championships in 2012, worse at the World Cup in 2014 and then catastrophic at the European Championships in 2016.
The 2-1 defeat to Iceland will go down as one of – if not the worst – moments in the existence of the three lions, and Hodgson was unfortunately the front and center of that disaster.
The silky Swede | Ben Radford / Getty Images
Greatest achievement: Remained a sex icon despite assuming Mr Burn’s physical form. Trust is important boys, note.
Profit percentage: 60%This was really a failure, right? Sven Goran-Eriksson had all the tools and the largest harvest of possible players to win a trophy, but could not get past a quarterfinal.
He got a little unlucky with a heart attack, injuries or red cards along the way, but it’s still a missed opportunity in the history books.
Gaffern | Simon Bruty / Getty Images
Greatest achievement: Channeled productivity from Gascoigne.
Profit percentage: 50%
Sir Bobby Robson was a legend in our game and one of the sport’s best men. He came as close as anyone has ever come to a World Cup final, but once again the penalty was England’s remorse.
The emotions were huge at the time, but those who witnessed Italia 90 can almost look back on that tournament with a crooked smile. What could have been.
The man who delivered glory | Robert Stiggins / Getty Images
Biggest achievement: The only manager to win the World Cup with England. Yes, no small jokes are needed for this one.
Profit percentage: 61%
There is nothing more to say about Sir Alf Ramsey. The man guided England to their first and only World Cup success, and it is still the only major trophy in their locker.
These achievements only grow in size with each failure. Thanks, Alf.
The longest-serving England coach in history | Monty Fresco / Getty Images
Greatest achievement: England’s longest-serving manager of all time. Profit percentage: 56%
Sir Walter Winterbottom sat on the throne for 16 years and was England’s first manager ever. He led the three lions to four World Cups from 1950 to 1962, but fought on the big stage.
Still, he is a pioneer in himself and a man we must thank for his contribution to the sport.
